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The Heart We Carry With Us

If it's not real, I Don't want it on my Blog. With love, Kolina

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This makes my heart go “AH”

“I’ve been so young for so long and so old for longer – so heart wrinkled and naive all at once”

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Shortly after my concussion, yearly holidays became a check in point for me. What has changed, what is new, how can I use this day to be a bit more present in its meaning. Valentines day for me, slowly became a check in about all the ways my love for myself was encouraging healing. A noticing, of all the ways I loved the world and felt held by it. A recognition of the people in my life who make me feel loved, and who I have the joy of loving, whether near or far. Valentines day as a day, for me, is not jusssst about having a partner, or the chocolates or the flowers (all of which I do love) but it runs deeper than that. Guess what - you can do both and love in all the ways !! I know I will be celebrating my beautiful human this evening. It truly is a love worth celebrating. BUT I encourage you to CHECK IN. It reminds me to ask myself: Are you acting out of love lately Kolina - or has it been coming from somewhere else? Why is that? What can I do to bring it back? In all aspects of your life? Are you treating the people in your life, all humans, YOURSELF, with love? The earth? I think celebrating love (in allllll of it’s forms) is a really beautiful thing. Those that are filled with love are moved to do really wonderful and profound things for themselves, the people around them, strangers, and the earth. It’s a reminder to notice love, in all its ways, all days of the year. This picture was taken on my canon AE in Prague last year (the man wearing it was so friendly and kind) It reads: Where are we we going if we’re not going to love? Good question man, good question. #valentinesday #postconcussionsyndrome #pcs #chronicpain #love #chronicpainwarrior #learning #growth #canonphotography #35mm #35mmfilm

In 2019 I started to accept that everything in this beautiful and, at times, absolutely terrifying life is as important as you make it/ My 2019 word of the year you see, was AUTONOMY / And so I began to tap into the opportunity to make the great things REALLY great/ Then I placed less emphasis on the not so great/ this was a give and take / I changed what mattered most to me/ that shifted from “not being in pain” to ACTUALLY LIVING CAN I GET A HELL YES/ this took/ is taking a LOT of self work/ I found the fine line between avoiding things because it would actually hurt and avoiding things because they might / I actually started meditating. Guess what. It works/ I cried / A lot / I started making a list of things that scare me/ things that I’ve always wanted to do / things I would have done pre pain but couldn’t possibly do now/ these things read: hiking, surfing, scuba diving, travelling for extended periods of time, not going to physiotherapy, white water rafting, etc./ I DID THEM ALL / I learned that I could choose to be bold in the face of fear / I finally looked myself in the mirror and recognized that chronic pain is a bigger monster than I can take down on my own / I asked for help for the first time in my life this year imagine my surprise when I ACTUALLY GOT IT / I sat across the table from a friend and said “ I got diagnosed with depression, I guess this is 24” and she said NO IT IS NOT/ SHE WAS RIGHT/ I had one of THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE / I learned I could choose to hold it all but I did.not.have.to. / I decided I don’t want my identity to be pain anymore / It’s still okay that I don’t know what to do with that or how to navigate it/ I still do not have a pain free body/ But I learned I have autonomy/I taught myself that/ That lesson changed my life.

🏔 MAKE YOUR MOUNTAINS CLIMBABLE 🏔 It’s a bit ironic that I spent 3 months in mountain land because I’ve always referred to this injury as my tallest mountain to climb yet. But it wasn’t until I realized I was allowed to properly equip myself for this journey, that I actually began to move upwards. You wouldn’t embark on a year long trek without the right shoes, food, equipment, water etc, to insure you’ll have a smooth sailing journey. PAIN MANAGEMENT (and concussion recovery) IS THE SAME. It took me a damn long time (and a lot of struggling) to begin to access supports I needed to make the journey better. Looking back, it seems silly to me that I let my pride get in the way sometimes. Other times, I just genuinely wasn’t trying or looking for ways to better help myself. There are going to be a lot of things in your life - school, work, friends, relatives, that expect you to do things a certain way. And a lot of the time that way didn’t work for me and caused me more physical, and eventually emotional, pain. (Perhaps a conversation about how ableist university is in a whole different post 🙄) Making your journey easier for you is not taking “the easy way out.” It’s taking the human journey along a path that allows you to actually see the flowers and streams AND appreciate them whilst fighting your battles. Climb smart, climb well, my fellow warriors 💛🧡❤️ #chronicpain #chronicpainwarrior #chronicpainawareness #concussion #tbi #postconcussionsyndrome #postconcussion #travel #igwriter #energyshift #nepal #visitnepal2020

Everything I do, is with my injury in mind. This has not been an easy mindset to shake over the last four years. Sometimes I even get excited about things and realize a second later, “wait I can’t do that, what if it makes my symptoms worse” It’s that “what if” that makes no decision easy. Every detail is calculated. I spend hours weighing the pros and cons — it’s exhausting. Will I have a day or two to recover after? What have my symptoms been like for the past two or three days, can I take the risk? Is the pain worth what I’ll get out of it? Today, I thought to myself: “I can’t keep living my life wondering if the things I really want to do are going to hurt me, because I’ll never know if I don’t try” And so I’m going white water rafting tomorrow. (What the heck) And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel scared, or that I haven’t spent all day wondering if I’m making some big mistake. But I have to try. I’m aware that it could cause a flare up - but what if it doesn’t? What if I’m going to have the best time and make a memory that will last a lifetime? Every time I think something will hurt, I don’t do it. And so I never even find out of that worry was valid or true. That is living in fear. AND YOU KNOW WHAT!? I’m also really excited, and I have spent so much time over the past two years squashing excitement because I wasn’t able to live my life. So here is me living it. Wish me luck? 🏔🚣🏼‍♀️ #chronicpain #chronicpainwarrior #postconcussionsyndrome #tbi #tbiawareness #painscience #healing #energyshift #positivity #travel #nepal #pokhara #rafting

Just like that, my three month internship at Dhulikhel Hospital are up. I am so proud of myself. I cannot tell you how many months I spent fearing this placement. The voices in my head were telling me that I was careless, stupid, reckless for leaving every support behind. I got here and had my first 3 weeks in the NICU and thought to myself - what the hell was I thinking? Putting myself in the most stressful situation possible while trying to continue this healing journey. And my god it was hard but here I am coming out on the other side of something I was certain I couldn’t do. Wow. THANKYOU BODY!!!!! I’ve got two sweet weeks left in Nepal to do some travelling before I head off to Indonesia. Some serious rest is on the agenda — I’m coming out of my final week quite exhausted, with some elevated symptoms. I’m feeling pretty worn out and it’s time to take care of that. But what’s also elevated is my gratitude. I’m sitting here in awe. I just cannot believe this day has come. #nursingstudent #nursing #chronicpain #chronicpainwarror #healing #energyshift #postconcussionsyndrome #tbiawareness #nepal #visitnepal2020

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