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The Heart We Carry With Us

If it's not real, I Don't want it on my Blog. With love, Kolina

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This makes my heart go “AH”

“I’ve been so young for so long and so old for longer – so heart wrinkled and naive all at once”

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🧡🖤HAPPY HALLOWEEN🧡🖤 Today is one of my most favourite days of the year for two reasons. 1️⃣When I first had my accident, I was bed ridden for almost three months. It happened the week before Halloween - a holiday I could really care less about. Until I couldn’t partake in it. All my friends we having the best time and all I could think to myself was “how was I so stupid” thinking I was too cool or too old to have thought something so playful was well... lame. I vowed if I ever got better that this would be a metaphor for life and that I’d kick my ego from now on and just HAVE FUN. 2️⃣This day is always always a reminder that magic exists. I really do believe that sometimes it’s slapping us in the face and we don’t realize it because we’re not making a conscious effort to SEE it. Seeing magic is a PRACTICE. And so it’s important that we take the time to recognize it - even if it’s not as obvious as a witch grabbing us by our ears and whisking us away on a broom. Swipe right ➡️to see my list of magic from this year and please please comment your favourite magical moments below!! Let’s make a list and spread a bit of fairy dust 🎃🕯👻🧚🏼‍♀️🧜🏼‍♀️🕷🕸🦉🌛🔮🧡🖤 #wheninthailand #passionpassport #movetoheal #visitthailand #visitasia #halloween #chronicpain #girlsthawander #sheisnotlost #chronicpainwarrior #magic #energyshift #darlingescapes

On this day, 4 years ago, I quite literally had no idea what was about to hit me. 4 years ago today a car t-boned me while I was riding my bike and it would change my life forever. In that moment it seemed so insignificant. I was badly bruised and shaken. But I thought it would be a crazy story to share and nothing more. Turns out the amount that those 5 seconds have impacted my life is indescribable. There is me, sitting proud on the edge of a rock in Thailand after the first real hike I have been able to successfully complete since that day. I cannot believe it has taken four years to get there. I can’t believe I was able to do it. Just a year ago there would have been no way. These past four years have packed in so much hurt, pain, fear and anguish. I have clung as desperately to life as I ever have while navigating what it means to have #postconcussionsyndrome and #chronicbackpain. There are days when I would put my hand over my heart just to feel it beating, just to remind myself that Kolina is still in there. I am learning so much from this. It has pushed me to every limit I didn’t know I had. And it wasn’t until about 8 months ago that I really started to do the daily mental health work it takes to heal from such a traumatizing experience. No other trauma in my life (and there have been a few) have tested my faith in good, in the universe, in a happy life - more than this. It is my tallest mountain yet. I cannot wholeheartedly say that I am happy that this has happened to me. I’m not there yet. There are moments. But I can’t write this post and say I’m so unbelievably thankful for these lessons and that it’s the thing that has made me who I am. The days are fewer and farther in between, but there are still some when I grieve the loss of the painless life I had. The gratitude is coming, I can feel it. Each day I flow a little better, I lean in a little deeper, I trust myself and the universe more. The connection between my mind, body and the earth gets a little stronger, and I find a little more peace. It takes time to rewire perspective, it takes time to unlearn pain. So happy anniversary to me. Year 5 I feel pretty damn confident about you.

Towards the end of 2017 and the beginning of 2018 when my symptoms started getting progressively worse, I began to lose a bunch of weight. At first I thought it was just because I had gotten more active, but over time it really added up. We’re talking almost 40 pounds. There would be some mornings that I would wake up so uncomfortable that I couldn’t eat because I was in that much pain. Nothing seemed appetizing. I got to the point where a 100% plant based diet wasn’t sustainable for me. In general I didn’t feel like I was consuming less - as I moved through my day and woke my body up I would finally get to a point where I felt like I could eat. It was so hard to navigate. Once I got to a point in the day when I could stomach food I felt like I had to eat way more than I normally would just to keep my body going. This was even though I slowly became more sedentary as the months went by (as the pain got worse). But what the heck I was still losing weight? I’ve never been more complimented on my figure than in that time. Truly. And I’m not necessarily upset about it, because I know we need to shift our body culture.I even LIKED it at first. *omg I can eat whatever I want now and I still lose weight* (I hate that this how it went but its the truth) It took me a while to see the weight loss as a huge warning sign. People would skip right over “how are you” with “wow you look amazing” and inside I was just screaming. I had gone from throwing weights above my head to having such a weak body I couldn’t even get myself to class some days. I think it’s important to take a sec and acknowledge that now- more than ever- I’m actively benefiting from the privilege of being thin and the treatment that comes with that - despite it coming from one of the hardest, most unhealthy places I’ve ever been in my life. This experience has made me check myself and what it means to be thin bodied and how that benefits me - it’s made me recognize I’ve got a long way to go and a lot to learn. I remember every year of my teenage years I would write New Years resolutions and the #1 goal was always abs. This year it was to get autonomy over my life back. What a shift.*continued in comments

The grand palace in Bangkok is potentially one of the most incredible places I’ve ever visited. I was so blown away. #chronicpain #chronicpainwarrior #painscience #postconcussionsyndrome #livingwithoutfear #wheninthailand #wheninbangkok #passionpassport #bangkok #watphrakaew #igthailand #visitthailand #visitasia #amazingthailand #thegrandpalace #girlsthatwander #sheisnotlost

I remember the first time I wanted to become the sun At least I think I do It must have been the first time I truly felt alive after you left Or maybe it was the first time I felt my heart beating in my chest I mean r e a l l y felt it after I left me I thought to myself how do I burn this bright how do I burst this wide open how do I fill myself from the inside out Repeatedly every time I bow, how will I rise? I’ll e m b o d y a sunset I thought. That’s how. #sunset #thailand #phuket #poetry #instawrite #travelblog #pain #grief #postconcussionsyndrome #energyshift #poemsporn #spilledink

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