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What I Thought I needed

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I like rainy days because they don’t carry any weight to them It seems that the earth can just take a break and be without any expectations but to grow and nurture itself The flowers are blooming the way I imagine myself. Slowly- with a great silent effort, and then? All at once. “It makes me sad to think about how long I let myself suffer with the things that I have been through before I chose self care” – you were doing what you thought you needed. Today’s theme? Compartmentalization. What a word, safety net, and horrid space. For me? My go-to, certified A+, one way street to a coping mechanism that is a full proof and easy way to make sure you can walk through hell with a smile on your face. Put whatever happened in a box, seal it with a kiss, DON’T talk about it and NEVER look at it again. And there you go, you’re happy all the time because it just. doesn’t. exist. I’m on a bit of a …

Keep fighting, Stop Struggling: The Miles Levin Story

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On the path of others Are resting places Places in the sun where they can meet. But this is your path And it is now. Now, that you must not fail weep, If you can. But do not complain The way chose you- And you must be thankful. –Dan Hammarakjold Something beautiful I wanted to share. With sunshine & love, Kolina *** Image from an unknown source, please email me at withlovekolina@gmail.com if you know the artist so I can give proper credit.

The Things I’m not Sorry for Anymore

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Today is International Women’s Day and I am thankful. Thankful for the women I am surrounded by, for of the women that I look up too, that I am able to call myself a woman. As I get older, I become more aware of the impact that strong, mindful, and powerfully independent women have had over my ‘becoming’. These influences have washed over me in ways that I am still realizing as I reflect on the people in my life. In this noticing, I am starting to see all of the ‘sorry’s’. All of the things that were part of growing up as a girl that I was ashamed of or uncomfortable with.  All of the times I have slouched my shoulders, stood in the back, because maybe then I would be a little smaller, a little less bold. A little less stepping on someone’s toes, a little more status quo. So last year I wrote this:  I really wanted to whisper that I was sorry. I swear it was burning against my lips as …

Love Month

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February rolls around and there are are a few types of people: You love valentines day and everything, I mean everything  is pink. Right down to the little red hearts you draw in your agenda. You hate valentines day with a burning passion and tend to gravitate towards ignoring the fact that pink, a wretched colour, even exists. Wait.. it’s valentines day?? I feel like as I’ve gotten older, random holidays that pop up throughout the year hold more meaning for me. You could care about them.. or you could not. Truth be told though, you’re probably going to be having way more fun if you’re the one participating. I didn’t really think like this until I learned what it’s like to be unable to join in. The year I got hit by that car, was the year all of my friends went all out for Halloween. This sounds silly but after halloween came and went and I was still bedridden, the thought occurred to me that  I might never get another halloween. Suddenly it seemed …

When was the last time wonder wasn’t foreign?

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It sits in the way that people hang their heads and keep on walking without looking up. In the very way that we don’t look at stars in the city anymore because we can’t really see them. When was the last time I actually looked at the stars? It hangs over me in a way that is inscrutable. When did I stop noticing trees.. When did I realize that I actively needed to start?  Once a close friend to me asked if I’d ever realized how many shades of green I’m taking in at when I look at trees. What a question. It changed my entire perspective. It was like someone had told me I could wear glasses to see detail after living with blurry vision. It’s nonsensical to me. At what point in our lives do we lose the wonder? Because I don’t  understand why other people aren’t running outside with me every night to catch a glimpse of the sun putting itself to bed before we say hello to the moon. When was …

It was Romantic

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Recently, I took the train to Toronto and immediately felt nostalgic. The sun was rising like a bright orange globe hanging over Hamilton and glimmering just.. ‘so’ through the windows.  This was the first time I’d been on a train since I returned home from galavanting through Europe with my family this summer. I felt that old familiar ache you get in your chest when you’re ‘happysad’: happysad /ˈhapē/ /sad/ adjective: your gut is clenching because you’re just so giddy and every experience is flashing past your eyes as if it’s just happened. But your heart is also sinking because it won’t happen like that again. It was wonderfully peaceful, being on the train, and made me reflect on how lucky I am to have had that time to travel with my family– a gift that not many get to experience. On the way home I stumbled upon the poem “Dead Poets” , by Lang Leav. The story goes that a young girl pledges her life to the poetry that lives among the shelves of an …

Places Love Exists (Europe Edition)

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For about as long as I can remember I have been showered with love. I am so unbelievably lucky to have grown up in a family that said “I love you” more than necessary (you can never say it enough).  I’ve always inherently known that love exists. Love is important. Love is a powerful emotion that guides passion, and caring, and changes the way we interact and give to those around us. However, what took me some time to appreciate is the multitude of ways in which love manifests itself around us. In fact, is has become a huge fascination of mine to search for it everywhere. So in little notes and scribbles I have acquired lists of places where I think love exists. Here is the Europe edition. On a ferry boat in Greece where a father pretends to be a choo-choo train for his little boy up and down the isles. The families on the streets of Paris. Both mom and dad cuddle and play with their children before they brace for the …

Heartbreak in Paris

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I haven’t written in a while. Half the time I think about writing something and I forget before I have the chance to do so  OR  I write it all down and think better of it. I’m back and forth between this blogging thing because everyday my brain whispers and shouts some thoughts on publicly sharing my writing: “no one really cares what you’re thinking” “maybe someone feels the same way you do.. how will you know if you don’t write it?” “you’re not doing this for others you’re doing it for YOU” “everyone’s a writer these days what makes you any different”  also “so WHAT if everyone’s a writer it doesn’t mean you CAN’T do it too”  “don’t be pretentious”  “but… it makes my heart happy”  So today this last little whisper was victorious. These days it rarely seems to win. And in realizing this I’ve made note that maybe I should listen to it more often… but that’s for another blog post. Today I want to write about Paris. I have written and drooled and …

Two little feet and a bunch of Parisian streets (An Amateurs’s Guide to walking the City)

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I’m quickly learning that the best way to discover these European cities is on my own two feet. For this post I recommend you pack some water, a good pair of running shoes folks, and as Kelsey would call them “Emergency Granola Bars”. I went on a free walking tour throughout the city with Sandeman Walking Tours . These run 3x a day everyday and you tip your tour guide at the end rather than paying up front. Generally speaking these types of tours are better. You avoid the 70 year old guide that has recited the same information so often they can’t be bothered to care anymore. Instead you get someone in their 20s with real love for meeting people, starting conversation and providing historical and CURRENT information about the city & people that live within it.  If you’re looking to wander around the city for a bit, a good place to start is St. Michel Fountain. This is right near île de la Cité which is the 1st arrondissement  (so very central). In …