Author: kolinatavares

011// Look at me Now

I looked at the pictures she had taken of me in the Garden — smile on my face  — sun beaming And I thought to myself that if I could send any picture to heaven it would be this one “Look Dad and Oma, I shine just like the flowers do”  Real talk on loss: Perhaps the cruelest part of losing a loved one is that I do not get to show them who I am today. A strange form of self love that I have received from them? When I think of how proud of me they would be I am beaming with acceptance and acknowledgement of my accomplishments. They’re harder to recognize when I just think of them myself, at least for me anyways. What a strange and interesting lesson I have gained from this experience. The lessons never stop– for that I am grateful. Blessed really, to have to angels who teach me so much even in their absence. The ones we love are never really gone though are they? Not a chance. …

010//My Kindness is Raw

People say that I will change As if the world can harden me They have looked at me with the same knowing in their eyes, since I was 15 years old As if they can predict that one day my kindness will be all used up it has been eight years since I first noticed it the only difference between now and then is that I cannot be used, stepped on or pushed aside My kindness is as raw as ever.     With Love, Kolina    

What I Thought I needed

I like rainy days because they don’t carry any weight to them It seems that the earth can just take a break and be without any expectations but to grow and nurture itself The flowers are blooming the way I imagine myself. Slowly- with a great silent effort, and then? All at once. “It makes me sad to think about how long I let myself suffer with the things that I have been through before I chose self care” – you were doing what you thought you needed. Today’s theme? Compartmentalization. What a word, safety net, and horrid space. For me? My go-to, certified A+, one way street to a coping mechanism that is a full proof and easy way to make sure you can walk through hell with a smile on your face. Put whatever happened in a box, seal it with a kiss, DON’T talk about it and NEVER look at it again. And there you go, you’re happy all the time because it just. doesn’t. exist. I’m on a bit of a …

009//My Mother is a Shapeshifter

How can i understand what it means to provide a home when i have not felt what it’s like to have two hearts beating together i age, and think to myself that i understand sacrifices willpower strength and resilience without ever having the expectation to reciprocate the way She has moulded Herself to fit my life when our souls were empty she was the river that filled me first when i was tired She would rise as sunshine to help me grow when i was weak She became my energy only to give up what little She had left how did i get here if not for Her She is a fortress  a barricade that rose around me that fought against the world for a single soul the wall that has held me strong My mother is a shapeshifter and I am trying to flow into the ebbs and waves of who she is so that i too can lay myself down and ask who do you need be to be? With all of the …

Keep fighting, Stop Struggling: The Miles Levin Story

On the path of others Are resting places Places in the sun where they can meet. But this is your path And it is now. Now, that you must not fail weep, If you can. But do not complain The way chose you- And you must be thankful. –Dan Hammarakjold Something beautiful I wanted to share. With sunshine & love, Kolina *** Image from an unknown source, please email me at withlovekolina@gmail.com if you know the artist so I can give proper credit.

The Things I’m not Sorry for Anymore

Today is International Women’s Day and I am thankful. Thankful for the women I am surrounded by, for of the women that I look up too, that I am able to call myself a woman. As I get older, I become more aware of the impact that strong, mindful, and powerfully independent women have had over my ‘becoming’. These influences have washed over me in ways that I am still realizing as I reflect on the people in my life. In this noticing, I am starting to see all of the ‘sorry’s’. All of the things that were part of growing up as a girl that I was ashamed of or uncomfortable with.  All of the times I have slouched my shoulders, stood in the back, because maybe then I would be a little smaller, a little less bold. A little less stepping on someone’s toes, a little more status quo. So last year I wrote this:  I really wanted to whisper that I was sorry. I swear it was burning against my lips as …

Love Month

February rolls around and there are are a few types of people: You love valentines day and everything, I mean everything  is pink. Right down to the little red hearts you draw in your agenda. You hate valentines day with a burning passion and tend to gravitate towards ignoring the fact that pink, a wretched colour, even exists. Wait.. it’s valentines day?? I feel like as I’ve gotten older, random holidays that pop up throughout the year hold more meaning for me. You could care about them.. or you could not. Truth be told though, you’re probably going to be having way more fun if you’re the one participating. I didn’t really think like this until I learned what it’s like to be unable to join in. The year I got hit by that car, was the year all of my friends went all out for Halloween. This sounds silly but after halloween came and went and I was still bedridden, the thought occurred to me that  I might never get another halloween. Suddenly it seemed …

When was the last time wonder wasn’t foreign?

It sits in the way that people hang their heads and keep on walking without looking up. In the very way that we don’t look at stars in the city anymore because we can’t really see them. When was the last time I actually looked at the stars? It hangs over me in a way that is inscrutable. When did I stop noticing trees.. When did I realize that I actively needed to start?  Once a close friend to me asked if I’d ever realized how many shades of green I’m taking in at when I look at trees. What a question. It changed my entire perspective. It was like someone had told me I could wear glasses to see detail after living with blurry vision. It’s nonsensical to me. At what point in our lives do we lose the wonder? Because I don’t  understand why other people aren’t running outside with me every night to catch a glimpse of the sun putting itself to bed before we say hello to the moon. When was …

It was Romantic

Recently, I took the train to Toronto and immediately felt nostalgic. The sun was rising like a bright orange globe hanging over Hamilton and glimmering just.. ‘so’ through the windows.  This was the first time I’d been on a train since I returned home from galavanting through Europe with my family this summer. I felt that old familiar ache you get in your chest when you’re ‘happysad’: happysad /ˈhapē/ /sad/ adjective: your gut is clenching because you’re just so giddy and every experience is flashing past your eyes as if it’s just happened. But your heart is also sinking because it won’t happen like that again. It was wonderfully peaceful, being on the train, and made me reflect on how lucky I am to have had that time to travel with my family– a gift that not many get to experience. On the way home I stumbled upon the poem “Dead Poets” , by Lang Leav. The story goes that a young girl pledges her life to the poetry that lives among the shelves of an …